She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
