No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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