I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
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I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
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I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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