If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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