ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
