I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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