you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
