ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize