i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
