I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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