I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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