I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
