I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
