Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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