Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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