U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
