i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
