I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
