WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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