So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
