Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
