I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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