is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
