I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
