did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
