i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
