I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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