take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I came so hard my ears popped.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
