it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
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just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
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No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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