I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
