Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
