im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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