from now on my penis is your penis
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
