How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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