I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
