I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
smell my finger.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize