dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
