I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
