Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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