is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
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We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
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She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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