i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
