I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
