Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
