Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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