You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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