You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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