Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
