Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
