Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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