Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
