so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
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Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
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Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
not ubering you a puppy
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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