On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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