I will die if light touches me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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