Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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