I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
